Used

I am the sidewalk

I am the stairs

I am the road

You may be walking over me

You may be stepping over me

You may be rolling over me

But you know what?

Without me, you can't go anywhere

i can go on physically, but not emotionally

i'm really going insane deep down inside. nowadays i'm easily angered, depressed, and really really anxious and uptight. i get angry with the smallest things, i get really anxious on things i shouldn't even worry about. i think i am losing hair, because i can see my scalp pretty clear through my hair. i often thought about suicide and wondering how to do it. i'm just wondering if it is my medication that's making me feel like this. if so, why all of a sudden after taking it for a year or two? inclusive to that, i get dizzy spells from it all of a sudden, even though i was already use to it. i know the dizziness for sure is the medication, but all of these emotional problems? i guess in a way it's still worth it because it's helping my seizures...

how can i be more positive? how do i become more confident? how do i make the right choice? how do i know when to go for it? how do i stop thinking like this?

you got to be kidding me!

Another stupid ass seizure? c'mon now, another one in two days? you got to be kidding me! i just hope i didn't make a fool out of myself while having one. hope i didn't say or do anything to the friendly lady i was talking to at the bus stop. i think i missed my bus too while doing who knows what in my occurrence. hope i didn't end up kissing her or something of that nature, like how i did to someone while having a seizure in the past.

i just wished there was a magical pill that can make all these damn embarrassing, stressful, and uncomfortable seizures go away.

i never used to be this way, but it's recently that every little thing causes me to have a magnified emotional reaction. magnified beyond of how i ever felt emotionally in the past. nowadays many little small things makes me want to or actually cry. how often do you ever hear of guys crying over something like a tv show? sometimes when i'm sitting by myself, i sometimes cry as well. 

people tell me it's mind over matter, but how is it mind over matter on this when these stupid seizures strike without me even thinking or knowing about it? if i don't think about it, how can my mind even be over it? struggling through this is like a see saw, i get my hopes up when there are periods of no occurrences, but it goes back down as another one strike.

what wrong did i do to deserve this? was what i did, so bad that i must go through this?

FML

I really want to cry now. Damn you seizures! Why did you have to occur in class? Caused me to go to the hospital and miss out first day of class. I am probably going to get a hefty sized bill coming up since an ambulance came for me, and the hospital fees too. Then again I am not paying for it, my mom is... Because of that I also feel super ass guilty. I even told the paramedics no need take me to the hospital, but they kept pushing me to go...

Even more so i want to cry, my mom is a fricken idiot. Why ask me for help when you think you know it all, or why do you always say one thing and do the other? You drive me nuts! You are so hard headed! I can't even ask you for help anymore. Just when i need you for help the most now, i can't. If i do, all i'll hear is you accusing me that i did something to make the problems occur. i can't even ask you for emotional support, or let alone even have a conversation!

Not only that, gramps talking shit about my mom and dad, and my mom talking shit about my gramps. mom and dad always cranky and loud against each other in public. i am always the one who's in the middle listening to it all. the harder i try not to listen, the more they continually talk to me or try to make me. When can there ever be peace in the households?

I also feel super lonely, i can't even talk to anyone that well without feeling that big fear inside of my stomach. That fear feels almost exactly like the beginnings of me having a seizure occur, so i tend to not talk to anyone that much now. Sometimes it really does feel like i am going to have a seizure. there are times i ignore, i do end up having one while talking with the person. It's hard enough already that i am paranoid about having a seizure during my waking hours even when not talking to anyone.

Why am i still alive? What's the reason for me still existing to go through all of this? Is my future going to be super good or something since i am still alive now?

I know i say this again and again, i should feel fortunate that i have a home and food on the table, but what good is it when life is not going good within the home?